I fell in love with my editor. We work in the same office, but at opposite ends. I write the articles, she edits them. I’ve never actually talked to her, but I feel a connection. I’m not good at talking to people face to face, so I sent her the following note.

Ann,
This is Philip, obviously. You have been editing my work for over a year now, and I must admit that I’m beginning to fall for you. I hope you will be flattered, and not freaked out by this declaration, but I don’t think I can keep this a secret any longer. I’ve been trying to tell you in the office, but it is hard to find an appropriate time. There are always people around, and, to be honest, we’ve never actually had a conversation before.
We have a lot in common, though, I can tell. We both work in the publishing industry. Neither of us are currently in a relationship, as far as I know. We both drink coffee and eat bagels. I’m sure there’s probably more that we’re just not aware of, yet.
I wonder if you’ve ever noticed me looking at you from across the room, for I’ve recently found it impossible to focus on anything else anymore. I hope that these feelings are mutual, and we can take this to the next level. I can’t act like I don’t have feelings for you any longer. Why should we be kept apart just because we work together? We’re both adults, and I’m sure we could continue to work together without letting our relationship interfere. It’s a matter of dignity.
Ann, please tell me you feel the same way.
Philip

She returned it to me like this.

Ann,
This is Philip, obviously. You have been editing my work for over a year now, and I must admit that I’m beginning to fall for you. I hope you will be flattered, and not freaked out by this declaration, but I don’t think I can keep this a secret any longer. I’ve been trying to tell you in the office, but it is hard to find an appropriate time. There are always people around, and, to be honest, we’ve never actually had a conversation before.
We have a lot in common, though, I can tell. We both work in the publishing industry. Neither of us are currently in a relationship, as far as I know. We both drink coffee and eat bagels. I’m sure there’s probably more that we’re just not aware of, yet.
I wonder if you’ve ever noticed me looking at you from across the room, for I’ve recently found it impossible to focus on anything else anymore. I hope that these feelings are mutual, and we can take this to the next level. I can’t act like I don’t have feelings for you any longer. Why should we be kept apart just because we work together? We’re both adults, and I’m sure we could continue to work together without letting our relationship interfere. It’s a matter of dignity.
Ann, please tell me you feel the same way.
Philip

Well, I’m not one to give up easily, especially when true love is on the line, so I sent her another note.

Ann,
I appreciate your concerns about what is appropriate at work. I really do. Well, don’t think I haven’t considered this. I’ve read the employee manual, the one you get when you first start working here, and I don’t think it would be a problem. The way I understand it, because I’m not your boss, it’s OK. I could show you the section if you’re interested.
I hope you don’t think I do this all the time. I’m not some office playboy. I’ve never even dated anyone from the office before. You can ask Barry, he knows. I just feel such a powerful connection to you. I had do do something drastic.
What you don’t understand is that we are perfect for each other. We don’t live very far apart. We both love Chinese takeout. We both reuse paper grocery bags as garbage bags. I heard you just got out of a long relationship, and you think you need some time alone, but what you really need is a kind, sensitive guy like me.
I know we’ve never talked, but are you willing to miss out on the man of your dreams just because he’s not much of a talker?
Philip

And she sent it back like this.

Ann,
I appreciate your concerns about what is appropriate at work. I really do. Well, don’t think I haven’t considered this. I’ve read the employee manual, the one you get when you first start working here, and I don’t think it would be a problem. The way I understand it, because I’m not your boss, it’s OK. I could show you the section if you’re interested.
I hope you don’t think I do this all the time. I’m not some office playboy. I’ve never even dated anyone from the office before. You can ask Barry, he knows. I just feel such a powerful connection to you. I had do do something drastic.
What you don’t understand is that we are perfect for each other. We don’t live very far apart. We both love Chinese takeout. We both reuse paper grocery bags as garbage bags. I heard you just got out of a long relationship, and you think you need some time alone, but what you really need is a kind, sensitive guy like me.
I know we’ve never talked, but are you willing to miss out on the man of your dreams just because he’ s not much of a talker?
Philip

I hate when girls play hard to get. Logic wasn’t working, so I decided to turn up the romance.

Ann,

You can make my knees buckle
with just a passing glance.
You could make me whole
let’s give love a chance.

You’re like a catchy pop song
the way you creep into my mind
and I can’t stop obsessing
until I know you’re mine.

So I’m writing you this poem
and I wish it were true
with my skill and your talent
there is nothing we can’t do.

Please don’t think I’m selfish
I would do anything for you
I’m saying that I love you
please say you love me too.

I guess she doesn’t like poetry, because she gave it back like this.

Ann,

You can make my knees buckle
with just a passing glance.
You could make me whole
let’s give love a chance.

You’re like a catchy pop song
the way you creep into my mind
and I can’t stop obsessing
until I know you’re mine.

So I’mwriting you this poem
and I wish it were true
with my skill and your talent
there is nothing we can’t do.

Please don’t think I’m selfish
I would do anything for you
I’m saying that I love you
please say you love me too.

I was going to write back, but then I realized she was right. I mean, she’s my editor. I’m always sending her things, and she shows me all the mistakes I made. It’s the nature of our relationship. I have these crazy ideas, and she shows me why I’m wrong. So I’ve taken her suggestions, and I’m going to fix everything. I’m going to kill myself.

But first, I need Ann to edit my suicide note.

*

Philip Simondet is a writer, singer/songwriter, and improviser in Minneapolis, MN.