How to Rent to a Virgin, by Jeanne M. Haskin
THIS LEASE, entered into on ALL HALLOWS EVE, by and between ABODES FOR THE WICKED and VERUCA the VERIFIED VIRGIN, shall set forth the terms and conditions of tenancy, including rules of common etiquette and conduct that is consistent with the rights of other occupants.
1. For her own safety and management’s indemnity, VERUCA the VERIFIED VIRGIN agrees to provide protection against untimely death and ritual sacrifice or involuntary deflowerment in the form of:
a) A bona fide unicorn, committed to upholding her purity.
b) A knight sworn to chastity and servitude.
c) A mage with defensive spells.
d) A guardian angel, currently in good standing with whoever the Big Kahuna is.
2. Lacking any or all of these, the tenant agrees to arrange deflowerment prior to taking residence.
3. If the tenant fails to end her virginity, management may provide her with a list of volunteer occupants, including but not limited to Succubi, Incubi, Vampires, and Divinities.
a) Should the tenant choose an Incubus or Succubus, she must expect to be preoccupied all day, every day, and invest in a scratching post.
b) Should the tenant choose a Vampire, sex will coincide with dinner. An agreement must be filed, holding management harmless, in the event of reciprocal feeding.
c) Should the tenant choose a Divinity, groveling, prayers, and offerings are all standard necessities. Conversion may be a requirement.
d) Nudity is optional in the community’s common areas.
e) Yowling is expected.
f) Tenant agrees to pay for all damage accruing under the circumstances, including bathtub overspills, broken eardrums, shredded clothes, and downed chandeliers.
4. Should the tenant prefer the do-it-herself route, management also sells helpful articles, from top-of-the line sex toys to generic broom handles and economic vegetables. (Nondescript carrots and parsnips, priced by the inch, may spare the tenant embarrassment. Or not.)
5. Alternatively, the tenant may bribe the community to overlook her virginity by authoring prodigious amounts of erotica for the enjoyment of other occupants. To ensure quality output, management offers a ten-week course in role-playing, phone sex, and voyeurism. However, attendance will be waived with a preexisting degree in Investigative Erotica.
Accepted and agreed to, this 31st day of October:
Veruca the Virgin Voyeur Rafe the Responsible Manager
Jeanne M. Haskin (@jeannehaskin) is a serial Tweep on Twitter, but only at ungodly hours. She lives in Chattanooga, Tennessee with her husband and two teddy bears and is the creator of Eebil Authors on Eebil Island, where writers in pajamas poke fun at the craft of writing and barbeque plot bunnies. If she reviews your entry and writes “Meanie!” assume you’re an Eebil Author. If she writes it more than three times, you might just be the Debble. Her newest fantasy novel, Love, War and Magic, is too sad and too silly, not to mention romantic.
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Tags: humour, jeanne m. haskin, sex, virgins